How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
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Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
listen closely
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what