How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
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Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
my dad when a sex scene comes on
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.