@notacroc: Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the- Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored W: M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

@Maui_Speaks: Nice Fitbit bro. I didn't realize that they had a model you can wear around your ankle.

@stevevsninjas: Dad: [tied to chair] You'll never make me talk. Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*

@GlumGeorgeLucas: My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job. I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

@SergioValenCo: I don't tweet about my boss because I don't wanna be a suspect when he disappears.