How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
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You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
ok hear me out: Luigiana
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
hi why am I like this
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!