@notacroc: Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
@Maui_Speaks: Nice Fitbit bro. I didn't realize that they had a model you can wear around your ankle.
@stevevsninjas: Dad: [tied to chair] You'll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
@GlumGeorgeLucas: My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
@SergioValenCo: I don't tweet about my boss because I don't wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
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