How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
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ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid