How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
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My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?