How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
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*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion