How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
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Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
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o
o
o
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if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.