How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
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I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold