@metafroth: How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
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@brennadine: [Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws [Legs move wildly] THAT'S IT I'M WAKING HIM "No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie."
@sageboggs: My family doesn't have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
@Lunatic_times: I cut my finger on a beer can, I now know how Julius Caesar felt when he was betrayed by his best friend.
@BradBroaddus: My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey's Anatomy......so I ordered the first 5 seasons.