@metafroth: How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
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@thatcarlygirl: "Uh-oh!" - My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
@briancthayer: [rap battle] Opponent: *crushes it* Me: Oh, I... umm. I thought this was something else... *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
@RandomlyMJ: Falling for someone from Twitter is as intelligent as trying to give yourself a lobotomy with a sharpened jelly donut.
@stacieooooo: You'd think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.