How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
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The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.