How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
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I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*