*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
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ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
i actually laughed 😩
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.