The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
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My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
I am laughing way too hard at this.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.