How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
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Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
#damn
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.