How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
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Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
PLOT TWIST:
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
A bold strategy
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
that de-escalated quickly
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”