HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
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At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.