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It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.