@SimplyNamedTron: How to dress like Lady Gaga: 1. Go to ikea. 2. Pick a object that doesn't belong on your head. 3. Put it on your head.
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@DirtMcTurd: when someone pisses you off start counting down from 10. When you get to 8 punch them in the throat, they will never expect it.
@KenJennings: I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
@AndrewChamings: [proctologist’s office] ME: *unzipping pants nervously* PROCTOLOGIST: You're nervous, that's normal, but please zip my pants back up.
@shutupmikeginn: if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun