If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
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HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up