How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
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Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
When you kidnap a writer.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”