How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
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I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
nature’s most graceful animal
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Every BBC series about the universe.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.