My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
You Might Also Like
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
What?!?
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
AM I BEING GASLIT????
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music