6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
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1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
what
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.