how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
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you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
live long and prosper!
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.