how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
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My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”