Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
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I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
I have never related to anyone more.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9