How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
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Trumpy Cat
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika