How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
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Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior