How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
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My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
I created you as mosquito food.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.