How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
You Might Also Like
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts