Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
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Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
rapatouille
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.