How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
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I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”