How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
You Might Also Like
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
not for long
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Bobby pin
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Taco Bell, Exit 22
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.