How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
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Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it