Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
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[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
What a chick magnet..
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.