How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
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Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
favorite tropes as memes
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.