@sarahyehia82: Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

@Tmoney68: Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them: Pick up a kid Unlock a door Load a rolled rug into your trunk

@NurseMurderer: him: what are you looking for on this dating site? me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.

@crunchenhanced: The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

@Reverend_Scott: COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE "I'LL NEVER COME OUT" COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM