How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
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Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Me irl
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair