How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
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jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
I love twitter
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
and now we wait
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please