@KKBowls: Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess

@leslid79: "I'm gonna cramp your style." - Menstruation

@13spencer: After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must've been really awkward.

@Just_Lee_: The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.

@mommajessiec: Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.” Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick] Possum: [pops up] Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints] Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]