@TheJK_Story: [First day as hitman] ME: Don't worry boss, I'll deal with him accordionly. BOSS: Wait, you mean accordingly? ME: *hides accordion* yes.

@ultrakristian: Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

@LizHackett: Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

@PastorBate: Restaurants drastically overestimate how much I care about which wood they smoke my bacon over.

@J_Dazzle76: If I meet you for a date and you don't look anything like your pic, you're buying drinks for me until you do.