@KKBowls: Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
@leslid79: "I'm gonna cramp your style." - Menstruation
@13spencer: After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must've been really awkward.
@Just_Lee_: The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
@mommajessiec: Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
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