@shot_of_cabo: I realized she might be too young when I asked her the time.. And she said.. "The big hand is on the...."

@timdonakowski: Pillow fights didn't last as long in the Stone Age.

@stevevsninjas: [Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date] Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

@Parkerlawyer: I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.

@all_about_today: Immortality sounded great when I was 23, but now that I'm 38 it just sounds exhausting.