When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
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unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.