[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
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GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts