How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
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You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me