Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
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Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.