[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
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I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.