Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
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[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Just ordered me some pizza!
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*