doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
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I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Those are good neighbors.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket