How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
You Might Also Like
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
me hooking up with my ex
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business