A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
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Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
What the dentist sees
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.