how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
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Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Ha
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
found this cool rock hiking today
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
absolute chaos
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl