If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
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When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
This could be us but you eatin’
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore