HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
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It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.