HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
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How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Good dog. ❤️
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
same bro
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.